The Shift that Shifts Everything in Love and Relationship

It’s one of the biggest a-ha moments for my clients.

It’s the shift that shifts everything in love and relationship.

And it’s this: Men (others) do not love us in the way we’re loving them.

They love us in a way that mirrors the way we’re loving ourselves.

So let’s be real.

At first this can seem like a spiritual riddle—and easier peasier said than lived. After all, the lived experience is often one of deep confusion. We’re taught that it’s good and spiritual to be unconditionally loving. Nevertheless unconditional love and, say, the misguided absence of truth-telling and healthy boundary-setting are not the same. In the name of being loving, we may even find ourselves excusing away the poor behavior of others which translates into—not love—but self-abandonment in its many (Hey, I thought this was me being loving) disguises.

However, causing this shift that shifts everything is possible when we make the conscious choice to never, ever, love anyone more than we’re loving ourselves.

It’s awakening to the self in our minds who is adult, co-creative, wise and resourcefully developed and the self in our body who is, usually, a developmentally younger consciousness seeking love, presence and—above all—unconditional relational safety.  It’s this younger self who “loves” herself away into perpetual heartbreak only to hope next time will be different.

Yet a different experience requires us to become the source of the love, care and connection we are seeking. This means bringing our adult self (devoted to developing the actual skills of authentic love and quality partnership) and the younger self in our body (seeking a false center fantasy fix-it future) into deep and authentic relationship.

Get curious. What’s the false belief being held by a younger somatic self? It may be “I’m alone” or “I’m not valuable” or “I’m invisible.” Behind every decision to love in a way that feels depleting, fake or even painful is false meaning and stunted development. As we dig deeper, we realize the self holding this false belief is aged 2 or 4 or 7 or 12. So the quickest reality-check is then, from the adult wise self, to imagine a little girl who isn’t you declaring these false beliefs as true and, therefore, fixing them is her primary motivation for love and relationship.

Needless to say, the adult you would stage a major intervention. Yes the adult self knows, automatically actually, how to guide and mentor a 4-year-old trying to give love for all the wrong reasons. It’s vital to become very clear about the meaning she’s making. As missing development becomes engaged, evolution beyond painful glass-ceiling patterns in relationship becomes not only possible but inevitable.

Taking first attention off the other person and turning it toward this younger self in our body is the key. (This is profoundly different from only attention on self which, of course, is selfishness) From your own deeper wider center, begin to lovingly guide this underdeveloped consciousness trying so hard to love. Cultivating this beautiful and corrective internal presence creates a literal shift in the relational field. The big question is no longer, “How do I get him to love me?”  Rather it becomes, “Am I inspired by this man’s capacity for love and relationship?” If the answer is “No,” the healthy response is always simple: Lose (yawn) interest.

Your best possible partner already loves you for it.

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Written By Melissa Erin Monahan

Melissa Erin Monahan, M.A., LCAT is a passionate facilitator of transformation on the deepest level of identity in service to co-creating a life that mirrors your soul. Trained and mentored by Katherine Woodward Thomas and Claire Zammit, she is a Certified Conscious Uncoupling, Calling in “The One” and Feminine Power Transformative Coach, as well as New York State Licensed Creative Arts Therapist. She earned her Master of Arts in Drama Therapy from New York University while holding a Bachelor’s in Journalism from Marist College. Melissa is author of Becoming a Feminine Co-Creator in the internationally bestselling anthology In Pursuit of the Divine: Written Stories to Empower a Woman’s Soul. A Certified Feminine Power Transformative Leader, Melissa offers virtual workshops with Feminine Rising Sanctuary, live workshops in the New York City-Metro Area and private coaching worldwide. “Melissa is a master who has a gift for healing, helping and transcending. I have been a consumer of all things therapy, self-help and 12-steps for 20 years. I can honestly say this was the most successful experience.” ~ Michelle, New York City Visit or