Have you ever:
- Put off sex for weeks (maybe even months!) because it just was easier to not have sex than to actually have it? There just wasn’t a strong enough urge? Has this left part of you with a lingering feeling of guilt for a) not wanting it and/or b) not giving you and your partner the intimacy you deserve?
- Not really felt like having sex at all but had it because you felt obligated to – to make your partner happy? Likely leaving you feeling uninspired, unsatisfied, resentful and perhaps wincing in pain.
If so, you are not alone. I have experienced both of these scenarios as have most of my clients.
The truth is you can’t change the past. The good news is you can make a conscious decision right now to take responsibility for the present and your future. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner you might be feeling obligated to have sex with your partner or maybe this is the one time of year you actually feel inspired. Either way, keep reading because I am going to show you 4 Smart Ways To Inspire Genuine Sexual Desire AND Dissolve The Guilt that you can apply all year long …not just on Valentine’s Day!
By following these steps you can let go of the feeling and guilt of having sex out of obligation and start making love only out of inspiration – and with this new found desire you may just find that it is a lot more often!
#1: Take Responsibility For Yourself.
You don’t have control over anything other than your thoughts, actions and reactions. This means you can’t control what your partner does or doesn’t do for or to you. Relationships are like an intricate dance with many factors contributing to a smooth and sexy performance. The first step is to quit blaming circumstances and other people and make a commitment to move forward.
In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
#2: Write 2 Lists of Things You Are Grateful For.
Gratitude is an art of painting an adversity into a lovely picture. ~Kak Sri
List 1 is all about you. What are you thankful for about yourself? About your body? Some women have a hard time feeling sexy because they literally hate parts of their body. If that is you, you may need to start off with something like “I am thankful for strong thighs because they hold me up everyday.” Or “I am thankful for my full stomach and for the food that nourishes me daily.” “I am thankful for my beautiful eyes that allow me to see.” In other words be grateful for the things you love about yourself AND find things to be grateful about the parts you don’t love so much. Include things about your intellect and experiences too.
The reason for this is when we love ourselves, our bodies and who we are it boosts our confidence, fills up our love tank so we feel like we have more to give and it makes us feel more deserving of step 3. Missing this step can lead to guilt – guilt for not loving or taking care of your body, guilt for wanting more, guilt for asking for what you want, and guilt for getting what you don’t feel you deserve.
List 2 is all about your partner (single? Make this a list of all the things you WILL be grateful for about your future partner). Write down all the things you love about them, about their body, their mind, their talents. “I am grateful my husband is affectionate with me when we are out in public – I am thankful he is proud to be with me and hold my hand, give me kisses and put his arm around me.” “I am thankful that my husband is passionate and talented. I love that he has dreams and follows them.” “I am thankful that he prepares delicious dinners for me once a week and picks me up from work.”
If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get. ~Frank A. Clark
Are there things that frustrate you about him or make you feel lack? Try to find the good, the positive in there somewhere. Pissed off that he watches too much TV or plays video games? Be grateful that he gives you free time to read a good book and do something that you enjoy. Frustrated that he doesn’t know how to touch you the way you like sexually? When does he touch you how you like? When you are cuddled up in bed, when you are sad…? Be grateful for that and the rest will come.
This shifts our minds to start focusing on the positives so that we can start building up that genuine desire.
#3: Sexy YOU Time
That’s right, get your sexy on!
You probably spend a lot of time taking care of and doing things for other people in your life; your clients, kids, partner, family, friends, etc. How much time do you spend taking care of yourself.
You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. ~ Lucille Ball
Admittedly, this is the step I have the most resistance to. I will procrastinate on self-care like nobody’s business. The fact is when I get up in the morning and don’t brush my teeth, wash my face, have a shower, shave, go for a walk/dance/stretch/listen to some good booty shakin’ music, and put on some feel sexy/spunky/artsy/luxurious clothing I just don’t feel that sexy. Actually I am more likely to feel lazy, lethargic, and “blah.” However, when I do do those things (even just a couple of them) I feel so much better. You know what I am talking about, right?!
So if you are wanting to feel more genuine sexual desire then incorporate some or all of these things into your daily routine:
- Extra long shower or bath.
- Book a massage.
- Massage yourself with coconut oil after your shower/bath.
- Read a good book.
- Read an erotic book/story.
- Put on your favorite music that makes you want to move. There are many studies that show the effects of music on our moods.
- Do your hair and/or makeup OR go have someone else do it for you.
- Put on your favorite scent. I personally enjoy a mix of Sandalwood, Nutmeg, Cinnamon, Patchouli and Rosewood.
- Take a nap.
- Put on your favorite lingerie (if you don’t have any you love, plan a hot date with yourself to go shopping and find some). *Side Note: This is about YOU. My hubby isn’t big into lingerie at all, but the fact is it makes ME feel good and it makes ME feel sexy. Remember to do what makes you feel hot.
- Wear a dress or outfit you feel really sexy, sultry or sensual in.
- Exercise. Go to a class; yoga, BellyFit, Zumba, spin, etc. or do your own exercise thang.
- Get waxed (or utilize your preference of hair removal method) if being smooth makes you feel good.
- Have a night out with your girl friends, maybe even flirt a little with a stranger!
Do whatever you need to do to relax, fill up your love tank and feel good! This might mean getting a babysitter, taking an afternoon or morning off work, telling your partner you are busy tonight – with yourself. Taking time for yourself is not something to feel guilty about; it actually allows you to be a better, happier person which benefits everyone around you.
It can be more difficult to feel like getting intimate with someone you love when you are exhausted, drained, wearing flannel pj’s, haven’t showered, are stressed about your day at work and have hairy legs. So breath, exhale, relax and take some “you time” so you can open yourself up to the idea of being a “yes.”
#4: Be A “Yes.”
Our bodies are our gardens to which our wills are gardeners. – William Shakespeare
Be a yes to sex. I heard this from Alison Armstrong once and it has really stuck. Basically what she was saying was that you don’t have to be turned on right then in order to have sex BUT you can be a yes – meaning that you are willing to get turned on to want it. Often we aren’t turned on when a move is made so we automatically shut down and block off (perhaps fearing past experiences that weren’t that enjoyable because we were doing it out of obligation or due to other reasons). Being a yes can truly change the dynamic of your relationship because you can go from either being turned on or not and having that be the basis of whether or not you do anything to both being open to the idea of getting turned on and sharing the experience together of getting there. Sounds simple and obvious and yet so often that foreplay is missed.
All it takes is deciding that you are a yes. “Yes, I am open to getting turned on and having sex today.” And from there what I find is it takes the pressure off to have to be turned on in an instant but also opens me up to be more curious and aware (and sometimes aroused) all day – just waiting to convince HIM to be a yes.
Enjoy yourself as much as possible while applying these 4 steps! I hope you will be filled with more genuine desire and inspiration and release any need you may have to have sex purely out of obligation!
I would love to hear which one you think you need to do the most and which one makes the biggest difference for you. Comment below and if you found this article helpful please share it on Facebook and Twitter.